Sirius' Ten Commandments
by 2Padfoot00Moony7
Summary: aka The Ten simple Rules To Make Sure You Never Get Excluded or The Way To Save Moony’s Sanity. Put it this way, Remus is bored. Very bored. Crack!fic. Slight fluffy tendencies. Slash. Naked Moaning Myrtle. Beware.


**Sirius' Ten Commandments**

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Dear Padfoot,

Counting the number of times you almost got excluded last year, I decided to take the liberty of making you your very own **Sirius' Ten Commandants** aka. The Ten Simples Rules To Make Sure You _Never _Get Excluded (see previous note) or even, simply, The Way To Save Moony's Sanity. (My personal favourite!)

No doubt you're shaking your head right now and questioning whether or not I've finally lost it or if I've got nothing better to do with my time than hound you about the rules you constantly break.

The answer, Sirius, is that I am bored witless!

I've done _all _my homework - no comments about me being a teachers-pet, Padfoot, or Moony'll eat you next Moon – and now that you three have gone home, there's nobody to tell off for sloppiness, nag about homework or act generally mothering towards. So I decided I'd write you this ridiculous letter. You can raise your eyebrows, laugh all you like and call me a girl but it's tough luck. You've still got the damn thing. And you're still going to read it.

Enjoy,

Your stupidly bored friend, Moony.

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**Sirius' Ten Commandments! (The Ten simple Rules To Make Sure You **_**Never **_**Get Excluded) (The Way To Save Moony's Sanity)**

**Commandment One; ****Thou shalt stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful'**

Need I say anymore?! It pains me to hear this, it really does. I don't particularly want the images of both Moaning Myrtle and _you _it creates in my mind. They scar. Permanently.

**Commandment Two; Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and thou shalt not test that.**

Yes, Sirius, we all _know _that Snape looks a tiny-teeny bit like a vampire, and we all _know _that you constantly call him one. (Though honestly, is being a vampire _such_ an insult?) And really, I don't think it's so much calling him that as screaming it at him. But anyway, just because one of the House looks a little bit like a vampire, it doesn't meant he _is _one – or the rest of the House is. You don't hear what some of the girls say about you, Sirius! I've over-heard at least four willing to offer up their necks and blood to you if only you'd notice them! Yet I'm pretty sure the Gryffindors aren't vampires. I mean, one of them _is_ a werewolf but we won't go there. Anyway, back to the point, just because you think Snape's a vampire is no excuse to scream at _every single_ Slytherin we come across, holding your cross out in front of you. Honestly! It takes us twice as long to get to classes and I was forced to save you from at least eleven different duels in the last week of term alone! Next time, I'll throw you to the damn snakes, and then you can find out for yourself whether or not they really do have fangs, red eyes, can change into bats and 'vant to suck your vlood!' I swear they're going to find some sort of spell to 'suck your blood' one of these days simply for revenge. I know I bloody would!

**Commandment Three; There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and thou art not a member of that house, nor art thou its founder.**

Yes, Padfoot, we're well aware that you're a 'little bit special' or 'unique' as you like to put it. But you do belong to Gryffindor, and there _are_ only four Houses. It seemed like a harmless little game of yours at first, a little game that was _actually _acceptable for a change. Until you started sleeping in the Entrance Hall, sitting on your very own 'little table' at meal times and refusing to wear our uniform and instead claimed that your house was the 'rainbow house'. With fluorescent pink as the main theme. That gave me enough headaches as it was. That colour _so _clashed with your eyes! And then you had to start with trying to recruit for your new house! Honestly, Padfoot, trying to lure little-first years to your common room in the 'Magic Forest' with the promise of unicorns is _more _than slightly paedophilic. It _is _paedophilic. Do you have any idea how many owls I got off concerned parents?! So yes, let's not do that one anymore!

**Commandment Four; A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.**

I think McGonagall almost had a stroke when you flew onto the pitch on that thing. I know I bloody did! And yes, Sirius, I know all about your weird obsession with making Muggle things fly but flaunting this during a Quidditch game is _not_ a good idea! You could've been arrested for, God's sake! Hell, I could've gone down as your accomplice! But I suppose McGonagall already punished you enough and Lily's already nagged you as well, so we'll leave this one alone.

**Commandment Five;****Thou shalt never again use the spell used to enchant bludgers on peas. Or tomatoes, plums, oranges, or any other food item. Or any other item that is not a Bludger.**

Enchanting the peas was bad enough. Enchanting the tomatoes, plums and oranges was survivable. Enchanting my chocolate, my bacon and my toast _was not_. By that point, not only was I covered in a multitude of bruises from food that shouldn't even be at a breakfast table, I had also lost my breakfast, the food stolen from under my very nose! Just not acceptable behaviour, Padfoot! And you'd ruined my favourite book! Just because it was large and heavy, it didn't _have _to be the missile you sent 'bludgering' towards Snape! Fair enough it knocked him out cold for a few hours, but the fact you couldn't remove the spell from it just completely wasted that victory when it knocked us all out! I can still remember Snape's blatant retort of 'Dumb mutts.' In your case, he was extremely right! And still is, for that matter.

**Commandment Six; Astronomy class will not cause thee to be abducted by aliens.**

Let's face it, Sirius, you're not human. We all know that. (See the earlier commandments for evidence if you don't believe me.) But somehow, I don't think your home planet wants you either! I've so far managed to survive six years worth of you spending every Astronomy lesson cowering behind a telescope or pointing out 'your' galaxy. And let's not forget the frequent screaming fits where suddenly you're telepathic and the 'aliens are talking to you' I'm sorry, Padfoot, but there's only so much I can take before I push you off that tower! It's tempting enough already! Force me to endure another year of that and you will _definitely _be a splat on the ground by the end of it. Not that they'll be many complaints about that, mind. *smirk*

**Commandment Seven; "Defying my will" is not a crime worthy of life in Azkaban, and thou shalt not tell that to the first-years.**

I swear you get some sort of sick thrill out of tormenting the ''ickle firsties'! Telling them this once or twice, isn't too bad, especially just to get the best chair by the fire. We've all scared the first years into giving us those chairs before. But announcing that you're a God and all the First Years should worship you... That's too far. Just too far. I still have nightmare about that time I walked in and you were making them all bow before you and you had two massaging your feet, another doing your homework, yet another looking up curses for Snape, one thinking up insults and you sat there spouting out all sorts of foul language, and made up facts. The First Years are still terrified of you. At least, the ones that don't have sick and twisted fantasies about you whipping them are. (Need I mention that I caught you whipping them more than once!?)

**Commandment Eight; Thou shalt not change the password of the Slytherin common room, thereby forcing the Slytherins to say things like "Sirius Black is the best looking guy ever."**

Your ego is astounding, Padfoot. And James and I still can't work out how you managed to alter the bloody password! Dumbledore seemed rather shocked that you'd managed it too! What did you do, offer to shag the wall or som— Actually, don't answer that. I'd really rather not know, because, knowing you, that's probably what you did do. And, you know, why didn't you make it even _more _incriminating whilst you there, such as, I don't know, perhaps, 'I, Sirius Black, changed this. That's right BLACK, SIRIUS BLACK! The one the family hates! The outcast! That boy in Gryffindor that's friends with that JAMES POTTER and REMUS LUPIN THE WEREWOLF not to mention PETER PETTIGREW! You should know them! The Marauders!' Honestly! If you're going to pull big, serious pranks you don't put your bloody name on them! Not that you should be pulling them in the first place, I hasten to add.

**Commandment Nine; Thou shalt stop telling first years about the time the Hogwarts Christmas tree ate a student.**

You have a strange obsession with the first years. It's going to get you locked up one of these days! Let's face it, we both know that no such thing happened! No matter how much you claim it did, no matter how much you beg and plead and cry and shout none of the older students are ever going to _believe you! _It was a little thing called a dream, Sirius, one of those 'moving-pictures' you get when you close your eyes for a long period of time, usually at night. A DREAM! Christmas trees, even in the wizarding world, do not eat students! Yes, certain trunks do and some hybrid chairs may possess that ability but as a general rule, you _do not get _MAN-EATING trees around Hogwarts! Sorry to burst that bubble but there's no way you're dragging me into the Forbidden Forest to try and find them. Again. For the twelfth time. There's only so many man-eating spiders and bushes I can take for crying out loud! In the dark. When it rains.

**Commandment Ten; "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.**

First of all, where the hell are you going to find these 'flying monkey's'? I'd quite like to know where you're keeping a stash of them. I think they'd make great pets! I could train them to do fancy tricks as well as send my mail instead of using the poor old owls! Second of all, how, exactly, are you planning on taking over the world with them?! Are they super vicious, rabid, HIV-infested, disease ridden things that froth at the mouth, or something? (Wow, that description reminds me of somebody! I wonder who...) And third of all, what's with the flying obsession?! I swear! Next you'll be trying to make muggle cars or motorbikes fly! And we all know that that's not going to work!

So there you are, Sirius, your Ten Commandants that will give Moony a lovely, stress-free year! (And seriously, I really do think you should leave the First Years alone and keep your perverted tendencies to yourself! You paedo!)

Dear Moony,

Thanks for that wonderfully... _bizarre _letter.

I miss you too!

There's just one problem with your ten commandments – you missed out the most important one!

**Commandment Eleven; Thou shalt tell Remus at least twice a day just how gorgeous he is and how much you love him.**

Because I do, Remus, I love you. I know I should've told you this summer – and I was going to! Honest! When James and Peter went off Lily-hunting and you and I spent the day in bed, I wanted to tell you then. I just... I didn't know how. And I know this isn't the best way to tell you, or the most romantic but it's... it's the least nerve-wracking way. Though I bet you can tell how much I'm shaking writing this!

So yeah, add that to the list and it'll be complete!

And I'm not a paedophile! I'm scowling at you right now! Just because I went out with that girl from third-year that time...! How many times will I have to tell you, it was so she would win a bet and _nothing happened!_

Love you,

Your Padfoot.

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**Trust me, I don't have a clue where this came from! xD It's for a challenge for HPFC ^^**

**_.-'-._.-' Review '-._.-'-._**


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